What's my problem?

This last year I've been playing a new game.  It's fun, enlightening, and helps me set better boundaries.  I've shared with a few others and, in addition to laughs, I get fairly positive feedback about the game and it's usefulness.
So, in the hopes that it might be useful to someone else, here's my new-ish game.

What's my problem?

When someone approaches me with a complaint or anger, or I start to feel angry, threatened or defensive, I ask myself "What's my problem?"
Nine times out of ten, whatever they're talking about is not my problem.

It's like magic!  What's my problem?  Not this.
Their response to a situation is NOT MY PROBLEM.
Their emotions are NOT MY PROBLEM.
My behavior, my actions and reactions - definitely my problem.

A slightly less helpful game is
"What's your problem?"
Pretty much the same game, but asking someone else to play, which has shown itself to be problematic. Huh.

Try it and let me know what you think.

New things and old things

New: Soccer

So I did something that might turn out to be as dumb as that time a couple of spring breaks ago when I went mountain biking for spring break with the kids.  I joined a co-ed soccer team.

I've never played soccer.  Although, I was mistaken when I told my team last Thur at our first game, that it was the very first time I had ever played.  I remembered later that for Hot Dog's first soccer team, at the end of the season, there was a kids vs parents scrimmage I was on the field for. 

It turns out, not surprisingly, I kinda suck at soccer.  Also, I'm old, fat, menopausal, out of shape, have osteoporosis, and generally am better at laying on a couch reading a book than anything involving sports ball.

That said, despite our team loosing 13-0, only playing the first half, being not only wiped after that, but flat on my back the next day, I had a great time!   I liked it.  Mostly what I did was get in the way of the opposition as they tried to approach our goal.  Turns out I can do that, at least for a while.  I want to get better at actually moving the ball around.  Maybe, if I keep going, I'll even be not completely wiped after less than an hour of play.  But for now, I'm pretty happy to have had a good time and be on a team where not a single soul mentioned how I was the worst player, but rather a couple of team mates pointed out things I did right.  They're good people.

As a team member said "I'm glad you're doing something that is a stretch for you"

Old/New: Trip to Indiana to see family:
The very week after Hot Dogs school let out we drove to Indiana to stay at a house on a lake and visit with family near there.  It was lovely to see them again, they might not all like each other perfectly, but I like and love them.  I lucked out on the in-law thing, despite our political and religious differences.

And Indiana is beautiful.  It really is.  I had no idea.  It's lush and glorious, frogs chorus all night, there were ducks and swans on the lake.  I got to rescue a fledgling purple martin from the lake and take it back to what I was hopeful was it's home.  I can why it would be a good place to raise a family, although given all the Trump and anti-abortion signs I can also see why it would be a hard place to live too.

New:
Bit Boy graduated college in May (in 3 years, w/ honors - mama brag), moved into his own place in the big city an hour from here, and started a full on grown up job in June.  He's moving off our insurance, now I'm wondering when he can take his drum set with him. 

New:
Lego Kid graduated high school in May and will start engineering school in Aug.  I honestly didn't expect him to go into engineering, but I can see how if it works for him, he would be excellent at it.

New:
Hot Dog finished middle school in May and will be going to high school in the fall.  He continues on with his music and sports.  He's moved from being sure he was going to be lawyer to thinking he'll become a police officer, or join the military, or be a fireman, or maybe a scientist.  He's been focused on law since he was 8, so it's kind of a relief to see him being a kid.

Old:
We're still here, same home, Fire-Lord is still "retired" and working plenty of volunteer hours.  The garden still needs never ending work.  No family or close friend has died for a couple of years.  I kind of love that.

I'd do it again

Having children is probably the most selfish thing I've done.

Think about it.

I brought 3 human beings into this world.  I did it knowing that they would suffer, have pain, lose friends and family, giving birth, I knew some day they would die.
I brought 3 human beings into this over populated world.  This world so full of worry, sorrow, horror, and despair.  This world overburdened with Americans sucking up more than their fair share of resources, now has 3 more people living the American dream.

and I'm not sorry.  Not one bit.

I gave 3 human beings the biggest gift I knew - life.  Messy, complicated, challenging, life.  I gave birth to the three people I love best in the world.  Three people who I know, inside and out.  Three people who I will be forever discovering I don't know, because they change and grow every moment, they are not who I thought they were.  These tree people I will be forever discovering.   Three people whose eyes now show me a different world than the one I thought I knew, three different worlds in fact.

I wish it was a better world, safer, cleaner, fairer.  I try to do my part, I recycle, I donate, I volunteer, but the biggest thing I ever did to make this a better world was to give it my best, the very best I could do - be my children's mom.

How fair is a high IQ?

A friend posted an article on FB today, The War on Stupid People.

A quick read reveals that the author fears that intelligence is not only an innate and unfair advantage, but that the intelligent are setting up society for their own purposes.

"we have embraced the idea of a meritocracy with few reservations, even treating it as virtuous. That can’t be right. Smart people should feel entitled to make the most of their gift. But they should not be permitted to reshape society so as to instate giftedness as a universal yardstick of human worth."

Wow!  There's a lot tied up in that closing.  Maybe some day I'll care enough to pick it apart. 

For now I'll share this. 

I think there is far more anti-intellectual bias in the U.S. than otherwise.  Ask any parents who has had to deal with getting services for their gifted child, or just look at the Trump presidential campaign.

Here is the response I wrote on FB

Interesting article. It seems to have a fear based premise (that those who can't keep up are/will be left behind),which would make it appeal to those who are feeling threatened by their own current situation.
It seems to be a bit muddled - mixing education level, socio-economics and intelligence. (While related, those items are discrete.) Also, he doesn't seem to back up most of his statements with data.

Intelligence is a source of power, as is size, as is gender, socio-economic position, race, etc.. some of these things are inherent, and some are social constructs. While we can work to change the culture, do we really want to hinder those who can do great things?
Personally I'm super enjoying watching the Olympics. Even though I will never accomplish such feats, I can appreciate them, and only be a little bit jealous.

But, here is something useful to work with from the article:

"Quibble with the details all you want, but there’s no escaping the conclusion that most Americans aren’t smart enough to do something we are told is an essential step toward succeeding in our new, brain-centric economy—namely, get through four years of college with moderately good grades."

And that's something I think isn't true and this myth needs to be addressed.

We do not all have to have college degrees to be economically successful. In fact, the exorbitant cost of university means that the college educated graduate with more debt, and possibly less income (depending on major and geography) than those who chose a different route.
The culture of valuing white collar work over blue collar work has got to change.

Many people, including plenty of high IQ, do not fair well in a traditional classroom. Not all of us are cut out for college, or desk work. Add to that the fact that we have a looming shortage of necessary tradesworkers (due to an aging generation) and I think we have all the reason in the world to improve our valuation of those who work with their hands, provide necessary services, and contribute to our society.

Contrasting reads:
Harrison Berergon, by Kurt Vonnegut
Anti-Intellectualism in the U.S.
Anti-Intellectualism in American Life, by Richard Hofstadter

Confession time

I have a dirty little secret.

I am not actually a nice person.  I try to be a nice person.  I act like a nice person, mostly because I try really, really, hard.  But  nice people don't actually have to try to be nice, they just are.  Deep inside I am a cold-hearted bitch.  I have been assured of that by more than one person. (Including my own mother, and you'd think she'd be in a position to know these things).


Take, for example, the crazy lady who verbally assaulted me at a recent church retreat.   She said I had been snubbing her, ignoring her when she waved hello, and turning my back on her in the social hall.  I honestly had no recollection of that and told her so.

She called me a liar, "You're not the only one.  Other people have been shunning me.  I know what I know.  And I'm very good with people, very good at reading them.  It's ok.  I'm over it now.  I know not everyone will like me."

It was my sense of humor that kept me in the moment.  I could laugh (internally!) at the discrepancy between her words and her actions. and use that energy to be kind to her, empathizing that it must have really hurt to feel excluded and asking what she felt would help.

What I really wanted to say was "Are we in fucking Jr. High?"  because that was the last time I had seen that kind of display.  As it turns out she had moved away for 3 years and had recently come back, and I didn't even notice (because, can we remember? I'm not actually that nice of a person).
In retrospect, she was probably right, I had been ignoring her.  Not ignoring her on purpose, but just -  not even noticing her existence, or lack there of.  Which, if you think about it, is even more insulting than making the effort to ignore her on purpose.

Here's what I do remember about her.  It was this same woman who several years ago during a shared meal on a group camping trip was trying to explain why it was so important that everyone should be vegan (like her).  It was impossible to change the subject, and finally she said "What if I ate your mother?"  Which made me laugh.  Unfortunately the image made me laugh out-loud, and my editor was so busy laughing too that I spoke, out-loud.

"Good luck to you!"

Lego Kid assures me that "The world isn't really ready" for my humor.
I beg to differ.  I'm funny, GDI.
I'm hilarious.  I'm a riot.
At least in my own head.

In the real world I'm too sincere and earnest, but in my head I'm snarky as all get out.
Lego kid tells me it's a good thing I don't generally say aloud everything that pops into my head.

He's probably right

Randomness

It's been a weird unsettling day.

We rushed to the car to go home tonight from an interrupted outdoor performance of "Midsummer's Night's Dream" which, until that point, had been excellent.  It was interrupted by a sudden rain and thunderstorm.  As we drove home I felt like I was in a video game, literally dodging fallen trees, barely able to see through the windshield.  It somehow felt like a fitting end to the day.

I'm tired.  Bone tired.  This morning Bit Boy and Hot Dog  were joined by a neighboring teen and they all helped me clear a side yard that had been ignored for the last two years.  We got it nearly all done in just two hours, and it was good hard work. 

I needed it.  When I'm troubled I need to move, work hard, and wear my body out.  I've been struggling to keep my chemo brain functioning, on track.  It's so hard for me to manage things that were trivial before.  I make lists, tuck notes in places where I'm sure to find them, but still, I miss things.  It felt good to have something concrete to do, and to get done even a small bit of work that piled up during my lost year.

It was good to focus on something outside my head.

Yesterday a good friend let me know her nephew had died.   What words do you give to a family who have lost a young life too soon?

Today another friend posted about the death of a friend's 15 year old.  A parent shouldn't have to bury their child, yet I know of too many who have. 

What does it mean, that a child dies?
And the rest of the world goes on?  

When something awful happens, a life changing diagnosis,  the death of a loved one, time stops.  There is a bubble of unrealness that surrounds that moment and separates it from everything else.  It's disorienting to look around notice that other people aren't noticing how, now, in this moment, everything has changed.  My heart breaks for those in the silent bubble of that isolation of loss and shock.
 
Today I went on.   I don't always know why I go on, but I'm glad  I can.