June - September Books

• Wow.  I really lost it.  I keep these lists for me, not you, but man, past me is letting future me down.  Someday I'll read a book and think "That seems really familiar. Have I read it before?"  and I'll look here and not find it, and have no idea if it's because I didn't read that book or because I just didn't keep track.  Hmph.
• 
  
• Anyway, future me, here's what Oct. 2020 me remembers from all last summer and the beginning of this fall.  Sorry, 
• signed, 
• present me (past me to you)
• 
  
• looking at this list I think it can be safely gathered that I like books, books with cats, fantasy, and generally still need more time to read than I get.  
• personal notes:
  Genius was a good book, I knew Steven T. Seagle in passing (he was dating and ended up marrying a college roommate)
• I met Stephanie Tolan at a retreat this last summer, and it was knowing that I would that lead me to read her books.
• For years I've been on a listserve that Tamora Pierce is on, but it's only recently I started reading her work, my loss!
• I've known A.E. Wasp for years and our kids are friends, I got to beta read this book, it's a fun sweet story.
  
  Boys of Summer, by A.E. Wasp
  Self Published Kindling, by Mik Everett
  Welcome to the Arc, by Stephanie Tolan
  Flight of the Raven, by Stephanie Tolan
  Surviving the Applewhites, by Stephanie Tolan
  Mother Knows Best, by Serina Valentino
  Paris by the Book, by Liam Callanan
  Meow, by Skye Mackinnon
  Love, Lies, and Hocus Pocus, by Lydia Sherrer
  Gifted Touch, by Melinda Metz
• We Who are About to.., by Joanna Russ
• Crave, by Laura J. Burns and Melinda Metz
• The Human Division, by John Scalzi
• The Dispatcher, by John Scalzi
• Genius, by Steven T. Seagle & Teddy Kristiansen
• Trickster's Choice, Tamora Pierce
• Harley Merlin, Bella Forrest
• Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaimon
• American Gods, Neil Gaimon

Good job making things work

I had a really good day today.
I did good work.
I did not get paid, in fact, we're down money. 
I barely got recognition, and what I did will not be remembered.
I hardly got done anything I'd planned to do.
But, it was a good day.

I helped someone get some medicine.  I lifted a little chore that made 2 people's lives easier.  I walked with one friend and listened to her thoughts around a hard decision.  I walked with another friend, vented some of my frustrations, got some good ideas, and listened to her vent about her frustrations.  I practiced letting go.  Yesterday I was in a well justified snit, but it didn't make anything better and wasn't helpful so I'm still practicing letting go.
I accepted the chance to help an older adult learn to read.

I'm not exceptional.  I'm the norm.  This work I did?  There were others directly involved doing even more.  There always are others, doing what needs to be done, not because they get paid, but because it just needs to get done.  What do women do?  Get shit done.

This world runs on the unpaid, unacknowledged, and unappreciated labor of women.

Just thought you should know

Also, to all my women friends doing the good work every.single.day.

 I see you.

You're amazing.

It's definitely me this time

I'm am so sick of old white men who think they are the center of the fucking universe.

I'm also sick of women who belittle and disrespect other women.

But mostly it's old white men trying to propagate the patriarchy, especially as it relates to them.
How ever unconscious it is for them, it's fucking exhausting for me.



That's all.  Thank you for coming.

It it me?

I had a day.

You know those days where everyone around you seems like an idiot?  Maybe it's just me.
I've got a thing....
One idiot, probably is an idiot.  Five idiots in the same day, I start to think it's me.  I'm grumpy and impatient and need to put myself in a time out.  Actually, by the third idiot I'm usually sending myself home asap, so as to not injure anyone.

So recently I've been feeling ignored, shut out, pushed aside, shut down.  If it happened just once, I'd write it off.  Some one was having an off day, or I rubbed someone the wrong way, or I read the situation wrong.  But when it happens again and again, in more than one situation, with more than one person, over a series of days and situations, I start to think - maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm being particularly abrasive, or bossy. I heard that enough growing up to know - not everyone can take a full dose of me.  Maybe it's karma catching up with me.  Maybe I'm extra sensitive for some reason and reading things into it that aren't there.   Or maybe lots of people are short tempered and feeling sensitive themselves and I'm just handy.

Here's the thing - I have not had the experience of it being nothing when I sense something.  Whenever I get these feelings, something has been up.  The question is, is it something I need to do anything about?  Is it something external or internal to me?  I don't know yet.  Maybe there's something in the air, a general feeling of anxiety and fear, an itchiness just where you can't reach, a rock in our collective shoe.  Maybe I'm being a bitch on wheels and am oblivious.

Here's what I know is true, people have been acting unusually irritated around me. It's unpleasant and unexpected. 
I think I'm ready to not people for a while.

Art is for everyone

Last year I did a program called Wellspring.  One part of the program was that we had to commit to a daily spiritual practice, although what you did could vary day to day.  One of my favorite things to do as a spiritual practice is to create.  Sometimes I practiced an instrument, or wrote something, but some times I drew.

We all get free together

We're not free until we're all free.  We all get free together.

You know how sometimes you see things in your media stream, and the seemingly random juxtaposition suddenly refocuses something and then you see relationships where you didn't before?

Ya.  That.

There's this, and this article about improving education.


We're not free until we're all free.  We all get free together.

Then there was this article followed by a discussion about "identity politics" and a facebook comment from an amazing intelligent young man I really respect about how "identity politics" is going to bring down the Democratic party.  In my experience, all politics is identity politics.  It's just white-identity-politics is called "politics".  The white experience is considered the norm, so anything else is dismissed as "identity politics".

We're not free until we're all free.  We all get free together.

Then I remembered a story about OXO good grips I heard on NPR.  OXO products were designed for people with arthritis, but it turned out that a really good design was better for a lot of people.

We're not free until we're all free.  We all get free together.

Designing a good product, a good system, or a good policy, takes a lot of work.  It takes time and energy.  It's so  tempting to say "good enough", we got the worst of it, dust our hands and call it done.  So tempting.  I get it, we're tired.  I'm tired.

But the extra effort to really make it better for everyone, to make it equitable and not just convenient, not even just equal, but truly equitable, it does make it better for everyone.  Even those who didn't expect to benefit from it do.

We're not free until we're all free.  We all get free, together.

Econ101

This morning at the breakfast table we were talking about economics and capitalism.  Yes.  I know.  We're nerds.  But, since FireLord has been busy teaching full time at the maker space summer camp, it was the first breakfast we'd been able to have together for a week.
And somehow that makes it... normal?  Normal for us anyway.

Anyway. set scene:  Hot Dog, Lego Kid, FireLord, and I  - eating waffles, talking over the Wall Street Journal.

Economics.  Capitalism.
What works and what doesn't.
The conclusion we came to is that capitalism isn't great, it creates winners and losers, the risks aren't born equally, and it's easily corrupted.  BUT, it works better than anything else we've figured out, especially when you're dealing with huge numbers of people, IF there are certain checks and balances put into place.

It works when you have rule of law, a fair and functional judicial system, non-corrupt and unbiased law enforcement, and controls on monopolistic practices.  It works when workers are truly free agents, able to make choices about what work they're willing to do for what price.  It works when there is one-vote one-person and your voice actually matters.  (Yes, I'm aware we're mixing up governance w/ economics and that they're different, but they're intertwined in this country, and I'm not a f'n PhD)

It doesn't work when the laws are applied (or not) in arbitrary, capricious, and or biased ways.  It doesn't work when those in positions of power are able to use their power for personal gain, to avoid the consequences of their actions, and/or to abuse and take advantage of others.  It doesn't work when companies become "too big to fail".  It doesn't work when companies create cartels to control supply and cost of goods.  It doesn't work when companies don't bear the true cost of production.  It doesn't work when people aren't free agents, when they can't move jobs for improved pay/conditions/benefits.  It doesn't work when a corporation counts as a person, when an individuals vote doesn't matter.  It doesn't work when people feel like there is no chance to improve their situations.

For capitalism to work we need things like police, the judicial system, laws protecting competition (anti-monopoly).  This need for balance is why there are some things that we all pitch in for when competition doesn't work, things like schools, utilities, commodities, etc. 

When the system is unbalanced, when people stop trusting the system, when there is a huge difference between the haves and the have-nots, things can get ugly. 

There's always going to be tension between a laissez faire market and regulations.  The pendulum swings back and forth, not in a reaction to what's happening but in a reaction to what happened in the recent past (or what was perceived to have happened).  But if it swings to far, we will all suffer, one way or the other.

What's my problem?

This last year I've been playing a new game.  It's fun, enlightening, and helps me set better boundaries.  I've shared with a few others and, in addition to laughs, I get fairly positive feedback about the game and it's usefulness.
So, in the hopes that it might be useful to someone else, here's my new-ish game.

What's my problem?

When someone approaches me with a complaint or anger, or I start to feel angry, threatened or defensive, I ask myself "What's my problem?"
Nine times out of ten, whatever they're talking about is not my problem.

It's like magic!  What's my problem?  Not this.
Their response to a situation is NOT MY PROBLEM.
Their emotions are NOT MY PROBLEM.
My behavior, my actions and reactions - definitely my problem.

A slightly less helpful game is
"What's your problem?"
Pretty much the same game, but asking someone else to play, which has shown itself to be problematic. Huh.

Try it and let me know what you think.

New things and old things

New: Soccer

So I did something that might turn out to be as dumb as that time a couple of spring breaks ago when I went mountain biking for spring break with the kids.  I joined a co-ed soccer team.

I've never played soccer.  Although, I was mistaken when I told my team last Thur at our first game, that it was the very first time I had ever played.  I remembered later that for Hot Dog's first soccer team, at the end of the season, there was a kids vs parents scrimmage I was on the field for. 

It turns out, not surprisingly, I kinda suck at soccer.  Also, I'm old, fat, menopausal, out of shape, have osteoporosis, and generally am better at laying on a couch reading a book than anything involving sports ball.

That said, despite our team loosing 13-0, only playing the first half, being not only wiped after that, but flat on my back the next day, I had a great time!   I liked it.  Mostly what I did was get in the way of the opposition as they tried to approach our goal.  Turns out I can do that, at least for a while.  I want to get better at actually moving the ball around.  Maybe, if I keep going, I'll even be not completely wiped after less than an hour of play.  But for now, I'm pretty happy to have had a good time and be on a team where not a single soul mentioned how I was the worst player, but rather a couple of team mates pointed out things I did right.  They're good people.

As a team member said "I'm glad you're doing something that is a stretch for you"

Old/New: Trip to Indiana to see family:
The very week after Hot Dogs school let out we drove to Indiana to stay at a house on a lake and visit with family near there.  It was lovely to see them again, they might not all like each other perfectly, but I like and love them.  I lucked out on the in-law thing, despite our political and religious differences.

And Indiana is beautiful.  It really is.  I had no idea.  It's lush and glorious, frogs chorus all night, there were ducks and swans on the lake.  I got to rescue a fledgling purple martin from the lake and take it back to what I was hopeful was it's home.  I can why it would be a good place to raise a family, although given all the Trump and anti-abortion signs I can also see why it would be a hard place to live too.

New:
Bit Boy graduated college in May (in 3 years, w/ honors - mama brag), moved into his own place in the big city an hour from here, and started a full on grown up job in June.  He's moving off our insurance, now I'm wondering when he can take his drum set with him. 

New:
Lego Kid graduated high school in May and will start engineering school in Aug.  I honestly didn't expect him to go into engineering, but I can see how if it works for him, he would be excellent at it.

New:
Hot Dog finished middle school in May and will be going to high school in the fall.  He continues on with his music and sports.  He's moved from being sure he was going to be lawyer to thinking he'll become a police officer, or join the military, or be a fireman, or maybe a scientist.  He's been focused on law since he was 8, so it's kind of a relief to see him being a kid.

Old:
We're still here, same home, Fire-Lord is still "retired" and working plenty of volunteer hours.  The garden still needs never ending work.  No family or close friend has died for a couple of years.  I kind of love that.

April and May Books

• The Book of Flora, by Meg Elison
• A Secret Rage, by Charlain Harris
• Day Shift, by Charlain Harris
• Night Shift, by Charlain Harris
• The Plague Tales, by Ann Benson
• The Heavens, by Sandra Newman
• Inside the Large Congregation, by Susan Beaumont
• Chocolat, by Joanne Harris
• Shadow of Night, by Deborah Harkness
• Team of Rivals, by Doris Kearns Goodwin
• Somebody I Used to Know, by Wendy Mitchell
• A Discovery of Witches, by Deborah Harkness
• Miniatures: The Very Short Fiction of John Scalzi, by John Scalzi
• Expanse Series, by James S. A. Corey

January, February, March Books

• Homebody, by Orson Scott Card
• One Hundred Wisdom Stories, by Margaret Silf
• The Mystery of Grace, by Charles de Lint
• The Suburban Micro-Farm, by Amy Stross
• Daring to Drive, by Manal Al-Sharif
• The Enchanted April, by Elizabeth Von Arnim
• The Wind in His Heart, by Charles de Lint
• The Miscalculations of Lightning Girl, by Stacy McAnulty
• Invisible Monsters, by Chuck Palahniuk
• Enchanted April, by Elizabeth von Arnim
• The Girl I Used to Know, by Faith Hogan
• 
  

Surviving adolescence (theirs)

14/15 is an .... interesting age for my boys.

Bit-Boy despised us for a while, in a pretty low-key way, especially after I had a talk with him about not challenging the silver-back.  At 20 he's back to thinking maybe his folks are ok.

Lego Kid, man, 15 was a killer for me.  He felt that I personally had ruined his life in every possible way, starting from birth until that very moment.  He also seems to have gotten over it (mostly),

And now, now it's Hot Dog's turn.  He's at the stage where he needs to be exactly opposite of whatever it is I am.  The other week he informed me that he is not a Unitarian Universalist.  I think I disappointed him, when as a good UU parent, I remained nonchalant.  His religion (or lack there of) is his business.  UU's think God is big enough to take it. Then a couple of nights ago he informed me that he will register as a Republican when it's time.  He looked defiant and hopeful.  When I agreed with the rational he shared, I disappointed him again.   I think he expected me to swoon, or swear, or something. (Imagining me making the sign of the cross and backing away from him fearfully perhaps?)

Then this afternoon on the way home from track practice...

I love that look of disgust on your teen's face when they realize that not only is Mom not shocked with your choice of music, but it is her jam.
And she can thrash, and will, while driving, you, in public.


Honey, I LIVED through the 80's.  Nothing you do is likely to shock or embarrass me.


You've got to

fight
for the right
to
par-tay!

Inherent Bias

I want to talk about implicit and systemic bias. My own.

I'm a small brown woman, a feminist, and a liberal.  I've appreciated the things I've read about Alexandria Ocasio Cortez.  I've loved reading her speeches and writing.

Yet, when I saw this video.....

When I actually *listened* to her speaking, I thought "She sounds so young, like a little girl"

The very pitch of her voice seemed to reduce her gravitas.
How she sounded distracted me from what she was actually saying.

If this is how *I* respond to someone I already appreciate, someone who I agree with on many points, can you imagine how an old white man would respond?

That is implicit, inherit, bias.  That's one thing that can lead to systemic bias.  If the very sound or sight of a person triggers you, how can you be thinking clearly about what they're actually saying or doing?

This is a reason that so many black and brown men are shot by police.  Why the justice system has a higher percentage of  black and brown bodies than their percentage in the general population.  If just seeing someone makes you feel afraid, aggressive, threatened, of course you're going to be more defensive around them.

It's not that most police are intentionally racist.  It's not that they want to treat people unequally. 
It's that they can't help their own reactions, anymore than I can help my reaction to AOC's voice.

We may never be able to not have these reactions.  It could be it's part of being human.

But here's something we can do.

We can notice it.  Notice how you react to people, especially when they're different from you and what you're used to.  Notice when they're in positions that seem unusual to you, a confident woman in power, a quiet man caring for a child, a black man in a white space.  We can be aware of this inherit bias. 

We can choose to openly acknowledge it.

We can choose not to act on it.

We can choose, to paraphrase Martin Luther King, Jr., to judge not based on color of skin (or pitch of voice), but on character.

The power of story

I've started a new gig - storytelling in elementary schools.  Not reading books aloud, but oral story telling, introducing the kids to this enduring tradition.

I did a training with Spellbinders back in August, and by October was telling in my assigned school.  I tell to 60 first graders and their teachers once a month.

It's a little intimidating (especially to someone with cognitive challenges leftover from chemo) but it's also really fun.  I get to pick the stories and songs, which lets me be a little subversive, slipping in values I treasure.  I just need to keep it age appropriate and make sure I take exactly 25 min.  I start at 12pm, and lunch is at 12:25.  You don't want to mess with lunch.

I love this age, old enough to begin to understand, young enough to not be cynical.  They are funny and engaging.  I told a story that had a grandma giving kisses, lots of "Ewww!"(more for this kisses than for the animals she kissed), but they still loved the story.  I told a Baba Yaga story and watched their eyes go wide, one hid behind her hands.  I was worried about keeping so many kids of this squirrelly age engaged, but it hasn't been a problem.

As I was leaving last time I had this conversation

Boy 1: "What did you do to us?"
Me:  "I told you stories"
Boy 2:  "Did you hypnotize us?"
Me:  "No, I woke up your imagination"

I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of it.

December Books

• Mr. Dickens and His Carol, by Samantha Silva
• What Child is This, by Rhys Bowen
• Nancy Wake, by Peter FitzSimons

A light reading month I guess.  

Mr. Dickens and His Carol was for a December book group, perfect timing.  

What Child is This was a BookBub find, a light enjoyable read. 

Nancy Wake (another BookBub find) is by an Australian writer I was unfamiliar with, but I'll read more of his stuff now.  It also made me want to read her autobiography.  I love a story w/a strong woman and lots of adventure, that it's true makes it even better.

Found Zentangles

I'm doing a class called Wellspring.  Today it was my turn to share a "spiritual practice", so we zentangled while listening to How Could Anyone by Libby Roderick. 

When I was looking for extra supplies I found some old Zentangles I'd done.  It was kind of cool, like lost treasure.

Finding these, and doodling, helps me remember - art isn't about making something perfect.

  It's about making something.