SARS-CoV-2 triggered

The world is a different place than it was just a month ago, just a week ago.

This shock, this surreal feeling, this grief.... it's actually an old friend.  I remember you.  You've been here before.  But before it was just me.  Just me, my whole world suddenly upside down, suddenly nothing would ever be the same again.
Now.
Now.
Now it's all of us.  together.  Our worlds won't be the same.  This feels even bigger than 9/11, which happened only in the U.S., only in NYC.  Here in Colorado we cried, tucked in for a bit, then poked our heads back out of our shells comparatively quickly and carried on.

This will not be quick.
This will last for a year, or more.
A lifetime, or more.
Many lifetimes all at once
I find myself wondering...

Will this be what kills my 98 year old grandfather?  Will I be able to go to his funeral?
What about my 72 year old mother?

when my youngest graduates from high school, how many memorials will there be for the kids who didn't make it to graduation?  Will one be his?


40-70% of the population will get SARS-CoV-2.
1-4% of those will not survive not survive it.
Are you good with math?  Can you run the numbers?
I will help you.
329.5 million x .4 x .01 = 1.32 million people just in this country will not be here next year.  Because they'll be dead.  Everyone of those  will leave behind people who loved them and will never be the same.  That's the conservative estimate.  The other end .... the other upper end number is more than 9 million.

This uncertainty is something that other humans in other countries, other humans in most of all our history, have lived with.  But it't not something a privileged U.S. citizen has had to think about since vaccines for polio and measles were available.  Even if you are so privileged that you could chose to opt of of vaccines, you've had the benefit of the rest of us getting them and not exposing you to these diseases.

This surreal waiting, this almost nebulous fear?  That's an every day occurrence for some folks, even today.
The undocumented immigrant
The compromised cancer patient
The parent of that wee little premie

Most of us will survive.
History will record what we did, how we handled this huge test of our collective character.

We'll figure out what worked, what we could have done better.

I hope one thing we get right, or at least learn is that
we're all in this together, and we help each other out.

Dear World,

Be gentle with me today.  My heart is tender, my soul is tired, and my spirit is weary.

I love my children, I miss my son, I wish I could hold on to these tender and increasingly rare moments we have together.

So many times in the past I felt melancholy, bitter sweet, because that particular moment was so precious, everything was so very right, I wanted to hold on to it.  I knew I would miss it when it was gone.

I was right.

I miss having that little baby look up at me while he nursed.
I miss having that little hand holding tight to mine as he practiced walking.
I miss watching him learn, seeing the light of discovery in his face.
I miss listening to his ideas and plans, however impossible and impractical.

I miss that time when we were all everything to each other.

Dukkah

Dukkah - the suffering caused by attachment

You know that moment, or series of moments, when you see that so many things are changing? Not always bad change, but change from something you loved, enjoyed, appreciated?  Maybe things have changed and you just now noticed.

It happens so often, so regularly, you'd think we'd be used to it.

But I'm not. Not ever really.

I know that if I just released my attachments, I would not suffer.  But I choose to.  I choose that suffering of attachment.  I care, even if I could choose not to, I would still care. 

To not be attached, to not love, not appreciate, that is even a greater loss.

January sunrise - just a moment of color

Then, there are those moments where time stands still.  

Moments that mark - Before and After.  

Moments where nothing is ever the same again.  

I wish for you not to know those moments, but you will.  You have. 

It is the price we pay.  Entrance fee to humanity.

A child died.  She was so young.  So bright.  Her parents are my friends, and my heart aches.  There are no words for such a loss.  

Yet.  Yet.  I write anyway.

Her moments are gone.  Her light shown only briefly.  
It had beauty and shadow, and it is gone.

Something's in the Air...

Something's in the air, and it's not just the sneezy pollen of springtime.

aside: Tree-sex is what Bit Boy calls pollen - I was going to correct him (his attitude, not his accuracy), but then I thought - he's right.  Pollen is tree-sex, and it's kind of funny that we breath it.  
Don't do that - agree with your teen - it just encourages them.  
Now he's calling our goose's eggs goose periods.   It kind of shines a different light on breakfast.

The last two days I've had long talks with 3 different people about education and homeschooling.  AND (drum roll) every single one of them was about how beneficial homeschooling is, despite the fact that all of the people I was talking to had kids in public schools, and 2 of the three are educational professionals.  I was sad they were not familiar with the works of John Holt, and happy that I could share his work as a resource for them.  I was pleased to find that they were familiar with the more recent writings of John Taylor Gatto.  These two touchstones could inform a lot more educators about where the future of education is going.

One thing all professional educators seem to know is that their profession is changing.  School has always been a mixed bag, a necessary evil, the attempt to make the best of a perceived necessity.  Standardized testing, class room management, and shifting parental and teacher roles have made public school a far different place than it once was - and even what it once was wasn't really all that stupendous.   Changing modes of communications - first books, and now the internet - have changed the roll of teachers.  Teachers are no longer the gate keepers to knowledge and skills.  Just about anything you want to learn to do has books, Youtube videos, several websites, and enthusiastic open source gurus waiting to help you.  Waiting to help you learn for free.  For. Free.

You don't have to pay for an education anymore.  You don't have to pass a test to get into the right class.  You don't have to be in the same country, much less the same room, as your teacher anymore.  The internet provides limitless access to the accumulated knowledge of the modern world.   Firelord taught himself to play Irish whistle using Youtube videos.  Bit Boy taught himself binary by reading an essay by Isaac Asimov.  Lego Kid is working through an online Python book.  I was looking for a welding teacher for Bit Boy last year and a friend who welds asked "Have you looked for some tutorials on Youtube?"  (Seriously.  I kinda didn't go there.  Something about the thought of my teen with a tube of flaming gas in his hand having only had a video tutorial for his training made me nervous.)

Today you can work at your own pace, whether that pace is quick or slow, focused or distracted.  You don't have to have anyone tell you whether you're ready or if what you want is appropriate for you.  You want to learn a new skill?  Do it.  Want to get better?  Practice.  There you go, now you know something new.  It's the ultimate education in a democratic meritocracy.

Is there a place for teachers in this new paradigm?  Is there a place for a brick and mortar school? 

Yes, but it's a very different role than before - or perhaps it's a very old role.   We admire those who do what we want to do, people who make things, who have useful skills.  We  still benefit from mentors.  We still like to hang out with people who have similar interests and abilities.  We are still social animals and so there is still a place for something we might call a "school."  But it's a very different place than what we think of school today.  It's not a place you are forced to go and told what to do once you're there.  It's a place you may choose to go (or not) and where there are people who have intellectual and physical resources you wish to access.   I see the future of school in Maker Spaces, Hacker Spaces, libraries and the Sudbury model.

Some would argue that you still need a college degree to get a good job, a real job.  For the moment that is still mostly true.  To be a physician, a lawyer, and most types of an engineer, yes, you still need a degree.  However, there are signs that the value of a degree is lower than it has been for generations.  And signs that the lack of a degree is not the hindrance it used to be.

Becoming a teacher in the future will mean first following your own passion, and if your own passion excites another enough for them to ask "how do you do that?!?"  then, and only then, will you have the opportunity to be a teacher.

Enough...

I've been struggling recently.  I just don't feel like I'm "enough".  There is so much to do that isn't getting done.  There's so much I want to do that I don't have time for.  I'm frazzled and tired, making mistakes, and not enjoying even those few things I do right.   My children frequently point out when I make mistakes... not just little  mistakes like spelling either: bigger mistakes like forgetting a tutoring session or not reminding a child of music lessons, and down right illegal mistakes like switching lanes within 200 feet of a stop light (oh, the joys of having a student driver riding shot gun).  If only they knew the huge mistakes I've made - I don't know whether they'd feel gleefully justified or just terrified that their young lives have rested in my hands.

There was a time when "enough" was my mantra.  I read books like Everyday Blessings by Jon Cabot Zinn, and Whole Child Whole Parent by Berends and Peck.  I watched as other friends raced frantically through their lives and decided I would not do that.   We would have a relaxed home life, working through "flow" and with ease.  Of course it wasn't really like that, I was pregnant and/or nursing for 9+ years, and as anyone with babies and toddlers can tell you, it's exhausting work.  But it had it's own rhythm, and a lovely (albeit noisy) sort of peace.

Last year I was fairly incapable of much, and would have had an easy time saying "No", except no one even asked.  It's amazing how expectations lower when you're going through cancer treatment.  I completed treatment by Christmas, and by mid January we were in the tropics for our sabbatical.  Physically I wasn't really up to living aboard, and so again, lower expectations ruled the day.  Then we came back, and things changed.

Thinking about it, I think this current business is a reaction to last year's illness.  I felt so out of it, so left behind, out of the stream of our community.  When we got back from our sabbatical, I jumped in with both feet.  When the kids asked for something "Yes" was a fun thing to say after such a long enforced time of inactivity.   I got working, signing up to teach RE, agreeing to teach O.W.L., signing the kids up for lessons, getting Bit Boy in to high school/college, prepping Lego Kid for public school and letting him take this Latin course, welcoming an exchange student in the fall.  We didn't resume our old habits and schedule, we created an much busier one.  Now I'm learning what it feels like to be as busy as those in the main stream, and I don't like it.

Why do we do this to ourselves?  The reasons are probably as numerous as the people involved, or more so, since most of us have a multitude of reasons for doing what we do.  Most parents have to work, most kids have to go to school.  There's the cultural expectations, but also all the great stuff to spend our time on.   The temptations of this world are many, and we're all conditioned to admire folks who are busy.  "I don't know how you do it all" is a great compliment in most circles, and who doesn't want to be admired?  There's also the sheer joy of our chosen activities.  Our family loves our music making, outdoor time with friends, visits from family,  learning new things.  There, quite literally, isn't enough time in a single life to do all the things we'd like to do. There's also the pressure to contribute.  "With great gifts, comes great responsibility."  If we have the ability to contribute, we feel obliged.  We have lots of abilities and resources, and so feel obliged to contribute, besides most of it is rewarding and fun.

Whatever the motivation, the result here hasn't been pretty.  All the business comes at a cost.  Saying "Yes" to business means saying "No" to down time and quiet.  Time in lessons means is time not available for free play.  If we think about it, we realize that every "Yes" is also "No" to something else.  The trouble is we just don't think about it.  Keeping busy  means we don't have time to think about it.  In some ways that's easier.  Stay busy, don't think, just do what comes next.  There are times when that's a great strategy.  Those times, though, usually come after a bit of planning and forethought.  College is a good example of a time when you might be crazy busy, but it's all good - you planned the work and are working the plan.  The trouble comes when we're not planning the work or working the plan, but just reacting to the triggers that we experience.  "Can you...?" "Yes, I can."  "Would you?"  "Yes, I will."  Without thought as to what we're saying "No" to, "Yes" might not be the right answer.

I'm not sure what, if anything, is going to give, but something will have to change, soon.  Just as soon as the semester is finished, just as soon as that next trip is done, just as soon as.....

Welcome Home?

We've been home just over a month.
Can I just tell you how hard this last month or so has been?  H-A-R-D. 

I have been working, really working, to hold it all together.  I've tried not to be a whiner.  But it's time to just let it all hang out.  I'm going to list why this has been such a challenging time. 
You may not tell me I'm a whiner, you can just shut up and read. 
Or, click away from here, 'cause it ain't pretty.
You've been warned.

About 5 weeks into our trip Fire Lord got a call from a co-worker asking if he could borrow those clamps they'd talked about.  Fire Lord was game, but had to explain that we were, like, out of the country, on a boat, on, you know, the ocean, so the fellow would have to work it out with our house sitter.  With that settled the co-worker said something like "Well, I think you should be ok, I saw your name on an org chart, so you probably still have a job."
He didn't say this like it was a joke.  Turns out there was a lot of layoffs reorganization in Fire Lord's lab while we were gone.  By "reorganization" you can read the entire project was canceled and everyone redeployed or released from employment.  Luckily his supervisor was responsive to his rather alarmed humorous voice mail, and assured him that a job was waiting for him when he got back.

Just a week and a half before we came home we learned that my FIL's best friend had died.  She had been like a grandma to our boys, joining us for Sunday dinner and family holidays.  We got home on a Sunday, and attended her funeral the very next day.

We spent that first week home catching up on laundry and sleep, and spending some time with my SIL who had been staying with my FIL.  It was during this week that we agreed that my FIL would be moving in with us with in the next month.

The next week Firelord learned that the plum new job he had waiting for him was as a tech lead in field he hadn't worked in for 20 years.  Talk about a steep learning curve!

The rest of us stumbled around trying, without much success, to get back into our normal routine.  I had a series of medical appointments to go to, dealing with the after effects of cancer treatment and trying to tease out those symptoms from other issues.  It was spring break for our local schools so some of our regular lessons had been canceled, friends were out of town, and we just weren't getting much of anywhere.  Little did we realize that this week would be about as good as it gets for a while.

We learned on Thur. 3/28 that Fire Lord's father had died the day before.  We'd had him to Sunday dinner just a few days earlier, (like we did pretty much every Sunday).    He was 93, but we really truly believed that he would be with us another few years.  He'd been to the doctors for a check up just a couple weeks prior and the doc had said that he had the health of a man 10 or 15 years younger than he was.  We thought he'd move in with us this month.  As much as the death of a 93 year old can be unexpected, this was unexpected.

I have no words to tell you how this hit us, how shocked, surprised, sad, and guilty we felt.  The "if only"s came on hard and fast.  "If only we'd convinced him to move in with us sooner."  "If only he'd moved into a home" "If  only we'd stopped by to check on him more often" "If only he hadn't been alone"  So many "if only's".   The coroner's findings indicated that it was quick, and that there was nothing anyone could have done, even if they had been right there.  That doesn't seem to get rid of the "if only"s though.  There is little logic in emotion.

That weekend, while we planed my FIL's funeral, family started coming in.  Easter Sunday came, and Lego Kid's birthday came.  The week of the funeral one SIL and another BIL also had a birthday.  We had 14 people sleeping under our roof, plus more family put up in town.  It was amazing and wonderful to see the family again.  I loved that we got to have the little kids at our house.  But it was also crazy.  Anyone who has had a loved one die knows that feeling a funeral brings - feelings of family reunion and love, and sadness and loss.  It's crazy, and it's exhausting.

It's been a week now since the last of the family left town.  It seems like both more and less time.  Nothing is really settled yet.  Fire Lord has not only a new job to learn, but has to settle up his father's estate, and cover for me while I take care of medical stuff.  My kids lost their closest grandparents within a month of each other and we haven't settled into our homeschool rhythm.

It's just hard.  I know we'll get through this, we have wonderful friends here, and I do honestly have some of the best in-laws on the planet.  I know it could be so much worse.  But we are so very weary. 

Welcome home indeed.

2012 Wrap Up

Hot Dog's version of "Bald Mama"

I wish I could do this year over.  I wish that I could have been healthy and involved for this last year of my children's lives.  My kiddos have not invented a time machine yet (although I'm told they're working on it).
I can't have this year back.
 So.
Thank God this year is over.
Sincerely.
Cancer treatment just sucks.

That aside, we also had some good times.  In spite of how I felt a good deal of the time, with the help of Firelord, friends, and family, we managed to get out and about.  It's was not as much as we would usually do, but still, much more than I would have expected. I'm writing this post to remind myself of those good times.

Bit Boy got braces - on and off - in 4 months.  We were all glad it was such a short treatment.

Bit Boy joined the Civil Air Patrol and earned his Eagles Wings, then decided that, as interested as he is in flying, the military bent was too much for his taste.  I was proud of him for sticking it out as long as he did and giving it a fair shot.

Firelord and Hot Dog in Geall

 We got to kayak and sail just a tiny bit at Boyd Lake and Horsetooth Reservoir.

Lego Kid and Hot Dog finally got their wish to go fishing.  We dragged Bit Boy, our near vegetarian, along.  Sadly he was the one who actually got a fish, much to his horror.
We were doing catch and release.  I promise the fish was fine.  Had Lego Kid been the one to catch it, we may have been eating sushi then and there, despite the lack of wasabi.

We got to foster some of the cutest kittens on the planet.  I'd have to go back and count but I'm pretty sure we've had more than 20 in just the last year.






We did lots of field trips
(many of which are worth doing again)
Celestial Seasonings
The U.S. Mint
Homeschool Day at Elich Gardens
Casa Bonita (might not need to do that again)
The Butterfly Pavilion
The Denver Zoo
2 different air shows - Warbirds Over the Rockies and the Wild West Air Fest
Yellowstone National Park
Harvest Farm Fall Festival
The DaVinci Machine Exhibit


This was the first year in a long time that I saw more performances than I was in.
Cirque du Soleil (Dralion w/ just Firelord, and Quidam w/ the kids)
Peter Pan
A Year with Frog and Toad

Winter Wishes Ice Show
A Musical Christmas Carol
Gift of the Magi




Yup, it was a hard year, but there were some very good times too.

Thanks to my family and friends, and especially Firelord, we got through it.

Here's to hoping for a healthy and happy 2013

Silver linings on an f'n big cumulo nimbus

Cancer comes with some unexpected blessings.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not glad I have cancer.  Treatment sucks.  It is barbaric and cruel.  (For an unblemished read of cancer treatment check out "Memoir of a Debulked Woman")  I hate having to think of the very real potential of my kids growing up without me.  And I despise what this has done to me and my family.  This is not the childhood I wanted for my kids.

I would never wish it on anyone, and I'm not the sort the believes "everything happens for a reason".
I think random shit happens and we just have to deal.  In my case there's a family history of breast cancer, so I guess it's not so random.  But I still have to deal.

My way of dealing is to bitch and moan, whine and complain, and then try to make the best of it.

Making the best of it has included:

Making an effort to do fun things with the kids when I'm well enough, things we always "meant to do" but hadn't gotten to.
Being surprised and enlightened at the friends who've "stuck" and the ones who haven't
Being amazed and humbled by the supportive community we have
Getting to spend time with distant, but beloved, family members
Having a bit more time to read and watch movies
Enjoying mindful moments with my kids
Not worrying about how to pay for living until I'm 90
Fun play with  my hair that I would have never tried with out knowing that I was going to loose it all

In prep for the first hair loss I bleached it and dyed it pink. 

 Really, really, pink.

It grew back in between treatments, I call this Buddhist monk look

 

It started falling out again, so Firelord had some fun with it before he buzzed it for me.

Journalism, it's not what it used to be

I got up this morning, let the dog out, did my little exercises, and turned on the computer. I checked my email, the weather, Facebook, checked my favorite blogs for new posts, and activated my Pintrest account. I'll read the local paper with my morning tea, and listen to NPR when I drive into town.

Where do you get your information these days?

Once upon a time there was a countable number of news sources. When I was a kid the entire country watched the same 3 network TV stations. My entire state watched the same local UHF station and the same PBS station. There were 2 newspapers (out of Denver), and a handful of radio stations we could listen to. For local news we called a friend and gossiped.

Today there is cable TV, digital radio, and (cue big voice) The Internet. The internet is a game changer. Absolutely anyone with internet access can get their message out there. You could use a desk top computer, a lap top computer, a hand held android or even just your cell phone to post. If you don't have those, access to a public library will do it.

So how did you choose to get your information this morning? Newspaper? Radio? TV? (cable or broadcast?) WorldWideWeb? If you're on-line, what site did you choose for your sources? BBC? NPR? Washington Post? Washington Times?

There is no longer a countable number of news sources. Every blogger is a journalist. Every person who posts a comment on a site is reporting their experience and opinion. Every person can now be a journalist. What does that mean?

It means that we now have a lot of information to sort through. The good news is that there is no reason to remain ignorant of just about anything. Yet there isn't enough time in the world to follow everything of interest or concern. How we choose, individually, to sort through it will be skewed by our own bias. What we see will skew our bias. We each now have a responsibility to search out information that challenges those biases.

I'd be interested to know - How do you get your news? Are there ways you challenge your own bias or seek out contrary news sources?

Open Courseware

I was talking with my friend yesterday about how education is changing. I got to tell her about the Khan Academy and she got to show me a cool math book. Then we got to talking about other non-traditional sources for learning. The price of college is going up, and the value of many degrees is going down. That makes you consider lots of other options, or at least ways to be so well prepared for college that the money is well spent.

There's a whole new world of education opening up. There is no reason for anyone to remain uneducated. Once you can read and think, and have access to the internet, the world is yours.

NPR had a story recently on an Open Course from Standford. There are many articles and posts out there on the best sources of Open Courseware. I've started a page where I'm keeping track of Open Courseware, it's an ongoing project, so I can't promise they'll all be golden, but wow. This is a game changer.

Changing times

The world is changing. Faster than I can keep up with. I feel like an old, old woman... "Back in my day..." ;-D

If you look out your window you will see something very different than my 92 year old father-in-law saw as a child. He saw horse drawn carts, dirt or cobble roads, farm animals. You see cars, look up and see airplanes and helicopters, and, most likely, very few of us see farm animals right outside our windows.

I predict that one of the places we're going to see the biggest changes is in how we educate ourselves. Walk into a class room today and what you see won't be all that different than what my FIL saw when he went to school, more than 80 years ago. There will be the teacher's desk up at the front. The children's desks will be facing it. There will be a black (or white board) behind the teacher, maybe a couple of bookcases, and if the kids are lucky, or in a wealthier district, maybe a computer or two. The computer is the only thing my father in law wouldn't have recognized as a child, but what it represents is the biggest change in human evolution since control of fire.

Here's an example:
A link to a Harvard Justice class was just posted to one of my groups. Now, via the internet, you can sit in on this college lecture. You can access videos of the lectures, as well as follow, and even participate in, discussions about the topics in the lectures. It's not the same of being in the same room, but whether it's better or worse really depends on what you make of it. Here's an opportunity to experience what some of the most elite students in the U.S. get to experience, free, in your own home. You can watch at home or at a public library: alone, or with friends and family. You can discuss it with them, or on-line with other interested people from around the world.

It's not about a degree. The institutions of "higher learning" still have a strangle hold on those little pieces of paper. But, as the cost of college soars and the economy declines, the relative value of many degrees is decreasing. It's not about a degree. It's about an education.

A high quality education is available for any autodidact. It always has been, for anyone with enough time and a library card. The difference between my youth and now is in the ease of access, and the ability to communicate with so many and so varied people and institutions. I'm just amazed. Floored. Impressed. Dumbfounded. Staggered. The opportunities overwhelm me.

Kid at School?

12/15/11 As the sun was rising this morning I was driving to drop off Bit-Boy at our "neighborhood" middle school. He's always been a social kid, and I think attending 8th grade O.W.L. at church has piqued his interest in being around more age peers. So, he arranged to shadow an 8th grade neighbor/friend.

12/16/11 Bit Boy told me he'd like to look into going to school part time. Oh Lordy, here we go. I'd rather have him home for so many reasons, but this is something he really wants. And really, how do you tell your kid "NO! You can't go to school!" and still sound rational? ;-)

12/18/11 I attended a meeting with the councilor and Bit-Boy. She's very excited and says he can take as few or as many classes as he wants. Registar steps in and says "No. You need to check with the principal." So we put our conversation on hold and the councilor agrees to contact me with the principal's response.

12/22/11 We have our meeting with the principle. Bit-Boy is excited to have a chance to go to school. He is leaning "61%" towards going part-time. (Compared to 39% in favor of homeschooling full time.) Meeting prompts me to write an urgent vent to my homeschooling-mom-friends:

I need some hugs. Arg!! I'm really not liking this, and there are very few people I can complain to, since few people see why this is a problem for me.

Bit-Boy is very clear in wanting to try going to school, but wanting to go only part time. What he wants out of the experience is to see what being in school is like and to meet more kids his own age. If the only option was full time or not going, he'd choose to not go.

This morning we went to sign up Bit-boy for 8th grade (part-time attendance). This was the 2nd time this week, and the 3rd time within the last 7 days that we've been to L., our neighborhood school. We met with the principal, the councilor and the English teacher.

The councilor is great. Kind, articulate, and open to doing what is best for the student and family. The English teacher seemed receptive to the idea of taking on a student who'd had no formal schooling.

After confirming that part-time was an option, the principal, Mr. D., gave us the hard sell on full time enrollment. He spent 45 + min. lecturing us. When I said full time enrollment wasn't on the table for discussion, he pushed back. First he tried to explain that there was no way that we could meet Alex's academic needs. I explained that Bit-Boy is reading at an adult level and would be ready for college level engineering courses by the time he was 15. He expressed skepticism. I showed him Bit-Boy's most recent PASS test scores. A moment of silence.

He then moved on to explain how there was much more to school than academics and that they were all about getting kids ready for the "next step" (being ready for high school). He talked about how pushing kids too hard academically was bad. (I didn't mention the unschooling bit) I can't even remember now all the stuff he said. I don't know if he realized how big a hole he was digging when he went on about all the "social" situations that Bit-Boy would be exposed to in school. He went on to say he expected that Bit-Boy would have so much fun that he'd want to be full time, and even want to come back to do 8th grade full time there next year. (eyeroll)

Aloud, I turned to Bit-Boy and pointed out that Mr. D was giving him the hard sell on going full time, and asked Bit-Boy if he was going to be up to dealing with that for a semester. Then the principal said "Oh, no. I won't push him." (But that was what he'd been doing right in front of me for almost an hour. Can expect him to do better when I'm not around?)

All I could think is that this man believes his school is better at raising children than parents, and that the entire point of "school" is to keep kids so busy they don't have time for anything else.

Running errands afterwards, Lego Dude said "If Bit-Boy likes it there, maybe I should go too?" I could cry. This child is not ready for the social aspect of middle school. He is just coming into the quantum leap in learning that Bit-Boy experienced from 11-13 yo. I so don't want him in school. I don't want to deal with all the stuff he'd bring home, I don't want him to deal with all the stimulation just when he's starting to find himself. Also, I like my kids and don't want them gone all day. They'll be leaving soon enough (obviously).

Bit-Boy even thinking of attending middle school is changing our family culture. I am not wanting this change. Even though I knew something like it was coming, I thought it would be later. I figured around 10th grade he could start at the community college, take some AP classes at one of the high schools, try a co-enrollment situation, or take some on line courses from a university. All of which could still happen of course, I just feel like the adults at the school are going to be doing their best to brainwash him that he's been abused by homeschooling and that if he doesn't go to school full time he'll miss out on all the important things in life.

I also really hate feeling judged by someone. Especially someone who is so biased against our lifestyle. When I called him on it, pointing out that our homeschooling was a family choice and no reflection on him, L., or public schools, he responded - "Oh, I'm not biased. I'm all for choice." So now, in the space of an hour, he has established a pattern of doing/saying something while not accepting responsibility for his actions.

OK. I know, this email all about me. Yup. I'm wallowing.
But I'm still letting Bit-Boy try school, so good on me, eh?

Whew! I was so worked up. All this led to some great discussions with Firelord, with Bit-Boy, with Lego Dude, and with Hot Dog. And then more discussion with all of us together.

I wrote to another friend:
Bit-Boy is enrolled to start at the middle school starting Jan 9, part time. They have a wacky schedule, "blue" days and "yellow" days, but get this: The blue and yellow days alternate. One blue, one yellow, so you can't assume that all Mondays are the same, or even that every other Monday will be the same, since there are occasional no school days that shift the schedule. It's insane. Of course, it doesn't matter if you give your kid up to the school from 7:25-3:30 everyday, although the kids need to keep track of the days so they prepare the assignments for the correct class. (eyeroll)

One thing I realized is that I've made such an effort to be sure the kids understood that going to school was a legitimate choice for families (because at one point they'd been lording their homeschooling over some jealous schooled friends) that I hadn't spent much time explaining why I still believed that homeschooling was the best option for our family.

Another thing that came up is the whole giftedness and right brained discussion. Ugh. I really haven't had to get into the nitty gritty of IQ or academic ability before. We just did what we were interested in, at our own pace, and didn't worry about it. Now come to find out that Bit-Boy is working way ahead of level. And, in fact, Bit-Boy and I came to realize that given what the school had to offer academically, he should be in the middle of highschool, except that his pace of work would be slowed down if he went at the rate of a normal class. BTW Mr. D said he could go to the high school for this and that, and a local high school prinicpal has offered him a place anytime - but that doesn't quite meet the social needs that started all this, does it?

So what does a kid do when he wants a pack of his intellectual and emotional peers? Can't happen, at least not in semi-rual place with as low a population as this. He's going to have to settle for age mates, and folks of all ages who share his interests, without a whole lot of overlap.

What happened? I tried to be Zen about it and not be attached to any particular outcome. I talked myself into thinking that this would be a good growth experience for him. I did my utmost to keep my dismay to myself. Bit-Boy is pretty head strong, so I wasn't too worried he'd try to please me. Good thing.

He weighed his options. Comparing not only his experience shadowing his friend at the school, but also listening to what she and his other schooled friends shared about their school experiences. He compared how he spends his time to how they spend theirs: time spent sleeping, time spent on academics, time spent with friends, amount of freetime, amount of extra activities, etc.

What did he decide? You know, after 3 meetings at the school; putting me through hour and a half meeting with the blow hard principal, the tolerant English teacher and the patient councilor; the reams of paperwork, etc...? He decided he didn't even want to try it for a week or two. After all that thought... he'd rather sleep in.

I seriously thought about it, but I didn't actually put him on the 1 hour busride into school