Today feels so much better than yesterday. Today I know we're doing the best we can, and that it is good enough. Today I see that we are learning from the challenges we face and the mistakes we've made. Yesterday though... Yesterday was a hard day.
I thought about not posting what I wrote yesterday, and then I remembered...
I remembered all the times I've read an article or someone's blog and felt hopeless because they seemed to have it all together and I don't. I remembered the time when I posted to a Facebook friend that it was ok to fall apart. I remembered the time when a friend was surprised when I admitted to gloom "You're human after all!" And I remembered how validating it has been to find that others struggle, fail, and then get up and try again. So, for you, here's a peek at my feet of clay.
Hopeless (written Fri. 11/4/2011)
That's how I feel today.
I feel like a huge failure. I have given up so much to homeschool, so much to coach FLL this season. And at this moment it all seems for naught.
The FLL kids don't want to be there, especially my own.
I am so tired and frustrated. I'm over booked and under rested. I haven't had more than 5 hrs of sleep in a row since the power went out for 37 hours last week. I will have done FLL events 3 Saturdays in a row by next Sat. I've got meatballs to cook for a church event, and have to be at both services on Sunday to sing with the choir.
My kids aren't learning anything. My youngest is feeling left out and bereft. My middle child has quit jujitsu (which he loves), lego robotics (which he loved) and has missed most of his fencing class, which he had been looking forward to for years. My oldest wants more peer interaction to the point where he is considering going to school to get it even though he would be bored senseless with the academics.
I feel like this semester has been a total waste. I've given up a huge chunk of my life to coach an FLL team, host another, and both my kids are hating it. My house is trashed. (In part because there are two 7 year olds entertaining themselves during practice, one of which is mine. And in part because I'm so wiped from everything that I'm not keeping up even the little I usually do.) My 10 year old has quit his team. My 13 year old wishes he could quit and hates that I am his coach. There are ability and age differences that mean that not all team member are participating equally. There are conflicts between my team members. There are 2 kids on my team who, as it turns out, are arch enemies at their mutual enrichment program. That's made the season fun, fun, fun!
And to top it off, yesterday, playing in the snow after practice my oldest accidentally gave the bully of the team a concussion. He cried himself to sleep last night over the guilt of it. It was a freak accident, but he was the one who threw the snowball. Lordy, I'd like a reset for everything since Sept.
So what's different about today? Mostly my attitude.
Also, a few things more tangible than attitude:
We're getting healthy. I'm recovering from Thursday's tumble down the stairs. My kids are finally getting over a 2 week virus. (That means ds10 is back to wanting to do his activities, and ds7 (the one w/ asthma) is breathing well again.) The injured team member is healing, and knows it was a total accident. My 13 year old is learning that sometimes we can't fix a mistake we made, but that we can be forgiven. He's learning we can have compassion for those who are hurt and for those who do the injury. I'm remembering that FLL is not about how well the robot does, it's about how well the team pulls together - and this team is quite capable of pulling together. It remains to be seen whether they will. I'm remembering I can't make them. I can only point them in the right direction and remind them of our expectations. I hope they step up.
My house is still trashed, but somehow today that's not as important